Happy Tuesday, everybody. It's great to see you. Let's get right to it. Tonight's monologue is all about gender. Is that right, Elvis?
[SKIT]
NARRATOR: Return to gender. Return to gender.
You know, when I suggested, "Hey, let's play Return to Sender, but as 'Return to gender,'" I expect maybe some verses. They literally just sang "return to gender." That's all they did. Now, I'm not going to say they mailed it in, but I'm going to say they mailed it in.
I begin with the curious case of 47-year old single father, Rene Salinas Ramos of Ecuador, not to be confused with Rene Salinas Ramos of Paraguay. That guy's a real jerk. To gain the upper hand on his vindictive ex-wife in their bitter child custody battle, Rene legally changed his gender to female. Smart. Not just to excuse his lousy driving.
[VIDEO]
NARRATOR: A sexist would say.
Is it really that funny, Emily? Good. But, hell, why wouldn't Rene do this? He already has a chick's name. You see, the Ecuadorian court system, which I've experienced firsthand because of my bastard child, Enrique, typically favors mothers in custody cases. Rene telling the local news, quote, "Being a father in this country, Ecuador, is punished and I'm only seen as a provider. What I have been looking for is to give the love and protection that a mother can give her children." Well, excuse me, Rene. "Mother." Over here, we call it "birthing person," you disgusting, transphobic pig.
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But, you know, Rene didn't go out and get a wig or heels like Kilmeade does after a bucket full of Zimas. He didn't hit up the Ecuadorian dressbarn, also known as El Granero del Vestidio. That's where I get my hosiery. No, Rene lived his day-to-day life as a man because he is one, except for the woman's name. And like clockwork, his story has pissed off LGBT activists who call his actions outlandish, which raises the question, "What's inlandish?" I don't know, maybe a store.
So Renee used the law to change his gender in a noble, yet desperate attempt to gain custody of his children. I wish I had that much ingenuity to see my children. I just don't have the time to visit the Nike factory. They're so cute when they work through the night.
Now, onto transgender swimmer Iszac Henig. And I don't mean that literally. Iszac was born female, but is now a male and competes on the Yale men's swim team. So at least shrinkage isn't a cause for concern. By the way, you notice these things never happen at schools like DeVry. I guess you don't have many sports programs when every athlete is missing a finger. During a recent meet, Iszac came in 79th out of 83 competitors, which would be a triumph if he were CNN. But for a swimmer, it totally sucks. He wrote in The New York Times, quote, "Instead, I'm trying to connect with my teammates in new ways, to cheer loudly, to focus more on the excitement of the sport." Excuse me, but isn't that something called a cheerleader? Iszac, I could have saved you a whole lot of time.
[VIDEO]
NARRATOR: Wow, yet another sexist would say.
But at least Isaac, who was once a woman, now a man, lost to nearly every man. Now, this is very different from swimmer Lia Thomas, who used to be a man but is now a woman and kicks their asses in swimming and in writing her name in snow. Iszac is different. This gender change took her for being in the top to being in the bottom. Only four dudes finished after him and one of them had only one arm. Shout out to Lefty.
So two cases of gender bending, no harm, no foul, right? The Ecuadorian dad wants to see his kids and perhaps he watched "Mrs. Doubtfire" too many times, with too many times meaning more than once. And the female-to-male swimmer who isn't trying to fool anyone. And her losses reveal that, so good for her. But these stories of gender make some sense. This final one doesn't. It never does.
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Get a load of this dollface. He's a convicted sex offender with a sick, perverted history of crimes against children. He also went by Kyle Bailey. But get this. Now, he's Brandy Wood. Yes, Brandy Wood, proving that criminals use porn star name generators just like the rest of us. Mine happens to be Beefcake Powerlips. But we'll talk about that later.
Brandy is awaiting sentencing in a Connecticut men's prison. But of course, now identifies as an intersex female, and wants to be transferred to a women's facility. And I'm not talking about Victoria's Secret. Connecticut law includes provisions that give prisoners the right to be jailed in facilities that match their gender identity, which means a rapist may be among women because people who make laws are morons. My advice for the inmates at the women's prison: learn to turn that toothbrush into a shiv like I did as a kid at fat camp.
